My Eulogy..to Myself


Draft 1: Wait there is no one here. Who is this for??

Draft 2: Words for him? He was a short tempered, arrogant, overtly-sensitive, pretentious, pseudo liberal intellectual piece of shit. World doesn't care that he is gone.

Draft 3:
It is surprising to see so many people here. Let's face it-he was not the most social one. But he touched many more lives than those he would keep close. It is great to see so many people despite the arrogance he possessed. The kind of arrogance that would inspire someone to write a speech about himself in the third person.

As I look more carefully, I realise that most of you are distant relatives who are here just in attendance as a matter of civility without actually knowing who Devang Pathak was. I don't know if there is one clear answer to that question, but I will try giving as many as possible.

Devang Pathak believed, for a major part of his life what every 90's born child did- that he was special and meant to change the world. He had no clue how he was going to accomplish any of this but he believed that he would. He was a champion day-dreamer. What choice did he have? Reality was so boring for him. Besides that, the guy had no social skills. He had no idea how to make and retain friends and more importantly, to trust them despite their shifty nature.

Devang Pathak thought he was funny because he could make a group of girls laugh on his 6th grade trip for 3 hours. What he conveniently represses is how another genuinely funny guy came and stole his thunder. After that day, he has been trying to reproduce that effect and meeting with obvious failure. Some jokes do land here and there but he had to just accept that he couldn't make hordes of people laugh.

Devang Pathak was overtly generous in the beginning. He was dubbed "Dyaneshwar" by his tuition teacher for being so kind to people, often at his own peril. He was so desperate for friendship and validation, anyone asking for help would hear a yes except for helping in cheating tests. He had a strangely strong internal moral compass which was more often than not rigid. He learnt his lesson and stopped his "misguided" ways of helping. Or he pretended that he did.

There is no doubt that Devang Pathak was pretentious. He would want to know as many things as he could and would often act as if he "knew everything". Do you know his favourite band? Want to know how he came to that conclusion? He had begun this re-exploration of English songs and bands in 2008. He kept hearing about this band called "The Beatles". Curious, he downloaded some of their songs and gave them a listen. He liked most of them. When someone asked him what his favourite band is- he said The Beatles hesitantly. Shortly therafter, when talking to a real Beatles fan, he made the gaffe of not knowing "Hey Jude". He spent years listening to their entire anthology and then still maintained that they were his favourite band. We still don't know whether it was the music, their story or their messages he liked. Weirdo.

He was a master at fakery. He was a pathetic actor. But he could put on masks really well. For example, for most part of his higher education, he pretended that he had any semblance of awareness as to his life goals.
 "Commerce from HSC" Ok.  
"BMS" Ok. 
 "Work" O...Naah OMG I don't want this!
The truth is that modern life always confused him. "Job.Wife.Children.Vacations", "You have to pay your dues" and scores of other banalities never made sense to him. He wasn't even sure of the socio-economic strata he wanted to be a part of. This is the atonement he convinced himself of later on-
DP: I see wretched looking poor people and rich people with wretched souls. What should I be? 
God: Be exactly where you are. Mediocrity is under-rated. 
The rich lied in their smile. The poor lacked imagination and hope. There was no clear winner even, if the world convinced itself that being on the Forbes List of Billionaires was the supreme life goal.

Emotions were an issue for a long time, until the Common Dolt disease aka Love struck. The long practiced repression went away to never come back and the vulnerability refused to die down. The poor schmuck went putting his heart on the sleeve. The insecure, nervous heart would always search for someone to understand- parents, friends or strangers but always come back with disappointment. The sane world always accused him of letting it get the best of him, even if the very nature which irritated them, was also beneficial.

You see the overtly generous nature which was claimed to have been eliminated was always present. It had just decided to be a bit more selective. He became extremely generous for people he cared for. He would stand there with help even before you could ask for it. Some would clearly stand there to rip and use him and he would allow for it to a certain extent. He was very rigid and protective of what he held dear. He felt that many things might change but the anchors he will have in form of the few trustworthy people would hold him in any storm. Yes. The truth and knowledge seeker chose to be naive in this instance and one other- that one person would cure his cynicism.

Hopeful cynic he would call himself. A paradoxical statement? Ofcourse it was. You see, while he was busy lamenting the half full glass, he secretly dreamed of the glorious rain which would cure it all. But reality always disappointed him. And he let that kill him.

You can all relax now. We are coming to the end. It will be appropriate to start making jokes thereafter and eat the free food.

Humans have spent 40,000 years trying their shot at immortality. From cave paintings to children to monuments and hundred other artifacts, all to leave a legacy behind. What if you don't leave anything durable? What if all your life was spent in the intangible. I guess that is what Devang's legacy will be. He doesn't leave behind what he could achieve with his potential-what all his peers and teachers predicted or hoped. He doesn't even leave behind his dreams coming to fruition. He leaves behind the unknown.

The diligence in a call to hear every small affliction which ails you. The irritatingly frequent fights- sometimes plausible and sometimes unreasonable. The inability to join you in the fun. The constant reminder- "You need help? I am here.". The cynical humor and teasing which got to you. The strength when he looked you in the eye before every challenge you faced and said-"I believe in you". The shocking honesty in a world of lies. And telling you every now and then, how much you mattered even as he hoped you would say the same.

There are many more things which could fill this speech as you remember him right now- the good, the bad and the ugly. But to what end? We will move on tomorrow. We will forget everything about him. We will convince ourselves that this is normal as we return to our cocoons again. Can we make an exception here though? Can we give one second a day atleast in holding his image in our minds as we begin the day? No? It's ok. He is used to it. Maybe he was right- the world doesn't deserve him.

Devang Pathak
1992- Till which ever year he gets a cheek kiss from Angelina Jolie and dies of something he always wanted but never had-peace and pure happiness.


WANTED: Someone to read this eulogy unless Morgan Freeman accepts my request to read the speech and begin it with "Devang Pathak was my friend".

Share this:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Seobloggertemplates

Hope you enjoyed this post. Check out more of my writing on other blogs by following me on Twitter

0 comments:

Post a Comment